Animals and Humans

 I did this on my previous blog. Let's all read it together again.


How is it that animals like dogs and cats manage to escape the protocol of what is considered socially acceptable?

If you have a dog or a cat or even if you don't, then you know that these animals are like furry lodgers who in time will adapt  into your way of living and become a loved member of the family.

However let's make up a person who is a lodger but yet has also managed to become like a family member. His name is Gordon, he is a 45 year old moccasin slipper wearer from Croydon. His last girlfriend was Debs who worked at Boots (the chemist) on the condom advisory counter.

Ok, so we we will have Poochie the dog, Tiddles the cat, Gertie the hamster and Gordon the 45 year old moccasin wearer from Croydon. Then we will look at what animals can get away with as opposed to what Gordon could get away with:

Example 1:

Poochie: He watches you and waits for you to start eating dinner before deciding to lick his arse clean with a great intensity. With the job done and triumphant, he pads over and tries to lick your hand.

Reaction: You say ''Euugh' and try to ignore it (but secretly wish you could do that) and keep your hands up on the table to avoid a bum lick/hand lick situation.

Gordon: He watches you and waits for you to start eating dinner before deciding to lick his arse clean with a great intensity. With the job done and triumphant, Gordon walks over and tries and lick your hand.

Reaction: You ask Gordon to leave the house and never come back.

Example 2:

Tiddles: Steps into the kitchen all smug looking and deposits the corpse of a mouse on the kitchen floor.

Reaction: You scream and  shoo Tiddles out of the house and dispose of the dead mouse and then give Tiddles a more appropriate meal.

Gordon: Steps into the kitchen all smug looking and deposits the corpse of a person on the kitchen floor.

Reaction: You scream loudly and call the police. Your house gets sealed off due to a murder investigation. You ask Gordon to leave the house and never come back.

Example 3:

Poochie: Whilst you are out walking Poochie decides to sniff another dog's bottom, gets excited and engages in frantic dog humping. In front of all the children. At the park.

Reaction: You tell the children who are all pointing that the doggies are play fighting. You try to dismount your dog without getting too involved (you don't want dog juice on your hands), then go home quickly and give your dog an appropriate meal.

Gordon: Whilst you are out walking, Gordon decides to sniff another person's bottom, gets excited and engages in frantic humping. In front of all the children. At the park.

Reaction: You explain to the children that you are beginning to suspect that Gordon has 'issues'. Then you call the police. You ask Gordon to leave the house and never come back.

Example 4:

Poochie: Sits under the table at meal times, and places his head on your lap whilst trying to look innocent and adorable in the hope of receiving tit bits.

Reaction: You sneak Poochie some food and then tell him to get down in a stern voice so Poochie won't think you are a total pushover (even though you are).

Gordon: Sits under the table at meal times, and places his head on your lap whilst trying to look innocent and adorable in the hope of receiving tit bits.

Reaction: You tell Gordon to sit back at the table like everyone else and didn't you ask him to leave the house ages ago? For the love of God, he is 45. Why is he behaving like this? You ask Gordon to leave the house and never come back. Again.

Example 5:

Gertie (that hamster): Plays in her plastic see through ball and runs all round the living room in it. As she does so, she does lots of poos and it all tumbles around with her. Run, plop, run, plop. Run plop, rattle, run, plop, rattle.

Reaction: You laugh lovingly at Gertie as she runs round with her poo in her plastic ball. You aren't keen when the pellets of poo escape out of the air holes, but generally, you feel smug that your hamster is getting such good exercise. Plus, it looks quite fun.

Gordon: Brings home a massive plastic ball . He climbs into it and rolls all round your living room. Naked. As he does so, he excretes lots of poo and it all tumbles around with him. Run, plop, run, plop.

Reaction: The smell is disgusting, your living room is carnage and splats of poo have escaped through the air holes of Gordon's huge plastic ball. It will take weeks to clean this lot up and how the hell will you explain this to the insurance company? You ask Gordon to leave and never come back. And get an injunction out on him.

So you see.... pets get away with far too much and yet we insist we love them and we carry on as normal as they continue to push the acceptable social boundaries. Why? Why? WHY?

Have a pic of the lovely May weather. Hmmm.