Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Birthday Candles.

I do admit to being a bit of a germ phobe. It's not terrible, but I won't go out without antibacterial hand gel and I won't touch door handles when I go to the shops. I'm definitely an elbow and knuckles kind of person. I once saw a bloke pick his nose, drag his palm across his hairy nostrils and proceeded to put his hand all over the shop door handle to push it open. No thank you. If he did that in public it made me worry what he did in private. Goodness knows what would be on my hands if I touched the door handle after that.

With that in mind when I go to a kid's birthday party you will never ever, ever, never, ever find me eating a piece of birthday cake.

I'll tell you why. The blowing out of the candles. It usually involves spittle. Lots of spittle. Possible snot. All over the cake. I can't bring myself to eat it. 

Little Johnny Picky Nose is all excited for his birthday cake. All the kids gather round excitedly to blow out the candles. The kid with swine flu wants to help blow out the candles so they won't feel left out. Everyone blows. It's like it is showering a fine rain. That's not even enough! Oh no. The kid at the back with a touch of Ebola virus is crying because they wanted to blow out the candles too but couldn't reach. The whole process starts again. The kid sneezes on it mid blow. All the kids touch the cake decorations. Licked, sticky fingers all over it. 


Scenario 1.

Party host: 'Here is your piece of cake, have two pieces.'

What I hear: 'Here is you piece of germ warfare. Have two slabs and make yourself really ill, for a really long time, resulting in possible death.'

Scenario 2

Party Host: 'I made it myself, it's really moist,'

My thoughts. 'Yes, it's moist with spittle and snot and it might result in possible death,'

Scenario 3

Party Host: 'Little Johnny Picky Nose helped me make it. Didn't you Johnny?  You MUST try it.'

My thoughts (as I look at Johnny with half his fist firmly nestled in one nostril): 'Yes. Johnny is called Johnny Picky Nose for a reason. Johnny picks his nose. There are now bits of Johnny not only ON the cake but IN the cake and if I eat it it will result in possible death.'

Every time we go to a kids birthday party now, I can't look at my husband when the candles are being blown out because he pulls faces with a spitty looking face and makes a big deal of seeing if I want cake and it makes me laugh too much. The git.

Have a rubbishy soundbite of what it all might sound like.


  1. Did you know Johnny Pick Nose dad, Dave Drippy Nose works in the local burger joint. I'll just eat at home thanks xx

    1. PS. That comment was me. Germaphobe Jax ;-)

  2. Ha ha! Well I sometimes lick Esme's face clean when I don't have wipes so I guess there's no hope for me! I draw the line at licking snot though.